How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 3

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be post-op photos at the end of this post. For anyone not wishing to view them, please stop scrolling when the piece ends.*

This is Part 3 of my Brain Surgery series. To read Part 1, click here.

One problem with the current young generations is that we are accustomed to instant gratification. Whether it's online streaming, ordering groceries to deliver to our homes, or even getting acknowledgment on a social media post in the same minute it posted, we don't know how to wait for what we want.

God understands this. That is why when we pray, we don't usually get what we want with next-day shipping or without some buffering. God does not answer prayers without putting us through trials that grace us with the gratitude to appreciate His blessing when it arrives.

One Week Later

I was tempted to call this section One Week as an homage to Barenaked Ladies, one of the greatest music singles ever recorded, but I'll keep it to topic.

I spent four days in the hospital. I couldn't hold my head up for 24 hours. I cried when I walked for the first time, but from pain, not from victory happiness. I cried in the middle of the night from discomfort. There was a massive incision on the back of my neck that I could feel as soon as I laid down.

I came home and spent two days in the recliner watching TV with my mom. On Sunday, I started eating foods that were more solid. I could turn my head a little. I could walk without a cane, but it looks cool so I'm keeping it. I spent a lot of time in bed and in my chair, watching Destination Truth and my favorite YouTube partners. 

I also realized how unimportant so much of my stress was. I didn't experience high school mean girls until 2017, seven years after graduating high school. I don't understand how people smile when they see you, but then talk down about you when you leave a room. It's something I had managed to avoid my whole life, and I plan on maintaining it now that I'm free of these people.

Health really is the ultimate deciding factor. I qualified for short term disability leave, but some people hope I can be back at work in a few weeks. I shake my head at this. I need to heal. I need to be pain-free. And no amount of money will make me feel better, so I'm going to stay home and rest as long as it takes.

Strength and Courage

This was not an easy road, but I'm nearing the end. I feel better than I did a week ago, and better than I did a month ago. I feel closer to peace now than I have at any point in the last six months. I know I have the strength and courage to undergo brain surgery, although that's a feat I didn't think I would ever need to prove.

I know that as long as I maintain my faith, God will hold me up. I know my strength and courage grow with each day. 

While not everyone needs to undergo brain surgery, God will test us to prove our true desire for what we ask, and during that test, He gifts us with the Holy Spirit to overcome everything He already knew we could.

But please, if there is a less invasive way for you to achieve peace, I advise you to go that way instead. May we all pay heed to God's voice and direction in our lives and take action when He calls us.

~*~*~

Below is my incision six days after surgery. They used sutures that would dissolve and then, and this is my mom's guess, tied me together with super glue, which is the mystery sheen you see.

I won't lie: I'm kind of digging the shave. It might stick around for a while.

Two days after Chiari Malformation surgery.

Six days after my Chiari Malformation surgery.

Eleven days after Chiari Malformation surgery.

How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 2

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be photos of the post-op results, but there will also be a disclaimer for those who do not wish to view them.*

This is Part 2 of my Brain Surgery series. To read Part 1, click here.

I need to reverse just a small bit. God delivers on His time. Usually, we think He acts too slowly, but for me, He knocked over so many dominoes that I lost count of the number of ups and downs I went through. While I prayed for peace in my heart, soul, and mind, God knew He had to fix my body first and granted my request through a romantic break-up and surgery news in the same two-week period.

Break-Ups Really Suck

I won't spend long here because it plays the stepping stone and we all know how this goes. This particular relationship involved more stress than any I've ever had, in good and bad ways, but I couldn't handle it any longer with my health.

While I was heartbroken, I also started feeling better in the few couple days after we parted. I wasn't constantly worried about how I was doing (he had kids who loved me but I stressed about my actions anyway), and I was stressed by so many outside forces that once they were removed, my mind relaxed almost instantly. 

Right when I thought I was doing alright a week and a half after, I received my MRI results from my doctor.

Permanent Solution to My Headaches

I had spent two years trying to solve my headaches. Western medicine had no lasting effect and the next step was narcotics, which I refused. Eastern and holistic practices eased my stress which helped, but nothing took away the pain. 

My neurologist is an amazing man. For anyone in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex seeking neuro help, Dr. Sabatino Bianco is the best in the business. He called me in for my follow-up appointment and basically asked, "When do want to do the surgery?"

I asked him to repeat himself on multiple things, but the fact of the matter is that the cerebellar tonsils should end where the skull ends.

Mine had herniated 9.7 millimeters past that toward the spinal cord.

My stress peaked. My depression soared with it. I stopped talking to friends, even the ones who were in need themselves (they hold no grudge against me for it now, but it's hard to let good friends down regardless). I had good days, but those were few and far between. My family cruised to Cozumel in January, and I had to psyche myself up for something I had dreamed of doing.

But my doctor promised that after this, I wouldn't have headaches. The overall percentage for those who undergo surgery for Chiari Malformation and never have the same level of pain is 80-90%, and those are the same numbers that never need follow-up procedures in the future. This cures it, and it's over.

The Journey Ahead

It took a little under two months to schedule my surgery after hearing the news. I feared who I would be without the pain. Was I the same person without headaches? Would I be who I was before or someone new? Would I even change at all?

It's scary to lose a piece of your identity, even the bad parts. I was constantly angry, sad, or scared. There wasn't much in between. 

What we forget is that we are never alone. I had to remember that even if I felt like I couldn't talk to family and friends, or when I felt that I was truly alone, that I had a friend in Jesus Christ. He gave His life for me, so even when I feel alone, that's me fooling myself. I remind myself everyday of this. I kept telling myself that these things would lead to good news in the end.

I think if we told ourselves that a little more often, we'd feel a lot better about ourselves and our courses in life.

~*~*~

For Part 1 of this series, click here.

For Part 3 of this series, click here.

How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 1

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be photos of the post-op results, but there will also be a disclaimer for those who do not wish to view them.*

Stress is usually our greatest downfall. We can't switch to our dream career because we have a family to care for. We can't start a family because we're too involved with work. We can't volunteer our time because of our job, but we can't volunteer our treasure because of our family. We are always running to no concrete destination because walking isn't an option.

The modern world leaves no time for personal care and reflection, but I've learned that with God's help, our worlds can come to a temporary halt. It just demands a sacrifice. For me, that sacrifice was brain surgery.

I have never had control over my stress. I react negatively and quickly. I am quick to anger, to hurt and feel hurt, to yell, and to cry. Stress dominates my life, and it wasn't until last year when I realized that it was, in a nutshell, killing me though daily headaches.

In 2016, I had a CT scan and an MRI performed. They both revealed a herniation of my cerebellar tonsils, which are two spherical bits of tissue at the back of the skull that help connect to the spinal cord. My primary care physician said these couldn't be causing my headaches, so I forgot it and lived for another year a half. I went through a hard year in 2017, with my stress level peaking, until November when I contacted a neurologist.

Within three weeks of my first appointment and a second MRI, I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation Type 1 and scheduled for a suboccipital decompression and C1 laminectomy and duraplasty. One is considered cranial surgery; the other, spinal surgery.

I spent all of 2017 praying for peace, but I wasn't seeking the answer in the way God intended to provide it. God couldn't deliver me into His peace until I understood the journey, and in order to be free of stress and pain He needed me to undergo skull reshaping surgery to cure me.

What is Chiari Malformation?

My goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace in whatever form it comes. Part of reaching this peace was solving my health problems. 

Chiari Malformation Type 1 is the most common type and often times people live their lives without ever knowing they have it. For me, it caused daily headaches, sporadic blurred vision, and toward the end hand numbness and tingling. My cerebellar tonsils were peg-shaped and protruding into the space between the skull and the spinal cord. 

Not only did this block the fluid from draining out of head (which is what caused the headaches from the built-up pressure), but it also prevented the spine from receiving that fluid it needed to charge the nervous system. In the last few months before the surgery, my hands starting tingling and going numb, an early sign that permanent nerve damage could take place without the surgery.

Stress Indicator

While my headaches could have been caused by too much screen time, dehydration, and lack of sleep, each of these headaches felt different from each other. One would be dull (dehydration), and one would feel heavy (too much screen time). However, when I let myself feel too stressed by a multitude of situations, the headache stopped me from functioning.

My stress-induced headaches lasted far longer than the others, and soon none of my prescription medications worked. One drug took a month to stop working; another, six months. Some never worked at all. When headaches are caused by pressure build-up, which was the daily part, these other factors enhance the negative situation and is why most people who suffer like I did can't find relief.

But it was the fact that my stress was so high that forced me to seek out a neurologist. Some individuals told me to do this when the headaches first started, but when you switch from a primary physician to someone who only specializes in how your brain works, it's daunting. Am I really hurting this much? Am I overreacting?

God helped rid me of some of my stress factors: people, life goals, time restraints. He showed me that I needed to focus on my health and not so much on other things. 

Peace Leads to No Pain

One of the areas I prayed for peace in was in my pain. I asked God to cure me of my pain, and He delivered. He led me to a doctor who was able to cure me, but it came at a price, as most things do. If I could muster up the courage and strength to undergo skull reshaping surgery, I could be rid of headaches, which would rekindle my desires to pursue other areas of my life.

I want to buy a home. I want to get married and have cute little babies. I want to find a career that gives me purpose. I want to enjoy every day from the moment I wake up. In order to get to this, I need to take care of the pain.

God heard my prayer and answered. Now it was time for me to trust His Will and step forward.

~*~*~

For Part 2, click here.

For Part 3, click here.