Idolatry: Anger

When I first started reading and studying the Bible, I tried to pick verses that didn't mention God or Jesus Christ because I couldn't connect with those just yet. To this day, one of my favorite verses is Colossians 3:12-15. Yes, it mentions the Lord and Jesus, but as examples, as in, forgive because the Lord forgives and let the peace of Christ rule in your heart. It was easy to overlook those specific examples to take from it as a whole: love, forgiveness, compassion, kindness, humility, and gentleness.

I knew those ideas. What I needed at that time, as a new Christian, was how to relate it to my worldly life because it was the only life I knew of. I didn't want to forgive to help myself because it didn't feel like it did anything. However, knowing someone else had already forgiven me made it easier to forgive others.

One of the greatest sins is idolatry. As a convert, I tried to identify other ways to categorize these idols that would encourage me to rid myself of them before I truly understood them on a spiritual level. The first sin, and still my greatest, is anger.

How Anger Harms Us

Perhaps one of the greatest examples of sins that Jesus gave was in Matthew 5:21-22: "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment." 

If it helps, take away this faith-based example. How do you feel when you're angered? Your heart rate elevates, you may shake, you lose control of your tongue, your mind imagines the worst for them to bring yourself pleasure, and worst of all, you may harm the person who angered you with your internal words and actions to feel avenged.

The truth is, each time we let anger consume us to this degree, we lose control of our emotions in the future. We become prone to yell, to insult, and to push others away. We grow impatient and hard. We forget how to forgive.

We also face higher levels of stress, which leads to lack of sleep, poor nourishment, and seeking further idols to heal us: alcohol, smoking, screaming, shoving, or pills. Rarely do we stop ourselves in the middle of an anger tantrum, especially if it's mental, because we think that we're not hurting anyone so long as we keep our mouth shut. But that's not the truth.

In doing this, we're harming our well being and our emotional stability.

Overcoming Anger

Anger, as I said before, is my greatest sin and temptation. Everything upsets me, and everyone upsets me. I feel as though I am always being stepped on, and that I am expected to remain silent and complacent because I'm "such a sweet girl" and "such a good girl."

Perhaps we should teach our daughters to be compassionate and steadfast instead of merely sweet, but that's a tangent.

If you cannot gain a foothold on your anger, you will never be control during any type of situation. People will begin to fear you, even the ones you are meant to protect. Fear is not respect. I am someone who often hides my anger and I blow it up when I am alone, which leads to stress and nervousness around any person I'm around, afraid that I will absorb their anger and have to suffer silently all over again.

I am sweet, but I am also tired of seeing myself and others be trampled on. I strive to be good, but I imagine others going through terrible trials as a punishment for how they treated me. This last one is a sin in Christ's eyes for our spiritual health, but it is also an attack on our mental, emotional, and physical health.

For me, I pray. Prayer doesn't have to be Hail Mary and Our Father. It can be having a conversation with yourself to God. Ask yourself questions in your head and answer them out loud. Imagine the Holy Spirit as a friend or family member you trust. Write down your thoughts. Scream into a pillow. Cry into your hands. Do what it takes to take that anger away.

I never understood forgiving until recently. I finally understood why I pray for peace for my enemies: I want them healed and at peace so that they may spread that to their loved ones. I pray for my enemies so that no one else may experience what I did. I pray for my enemies because I know that I have hurt people and never knew that I did. Worse, even when I knew I did, I never sought retribution from them.

We relinquish anger to free ourselves from the shackles of pain. If what we give out has a chance of permeating the rest of humanity, we should only send out peace, love, and compassion. Anger may always be an uphill struggle for me and others, but as long as we seek out peace when we feel it and overcome it rather than give in to it, we are still on God's path for us and improving the life on this world.

May the Lord free us from our sins, the ones we recognize and the ones we don't. May the Holy Spirit grace us with the strength to follow God's Will. May we remember Jesus Christ's outlook on internal sins as a way to strengthen our character. Amen.

How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 3

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be post-op photos at the end of this post. For anyone not wishing to view them, please stop scrolling when the piece ends.*

This is Part 3 of my Brain Surgery series. To read Part 1, click here.

One problem with the current young generations is that we are accustomed to instant gratification. Whether it's online streaming, ordering groceries to deliver to our homes, or even getting acknowledgment on a social media post in the same minute it posted, we don't know how to wait for what we want.

God understands this. That is why when we pray, we don't usually get what we want with next-day shipping or without some buffering. God does not answer prayers without putting us through trials that grace us with the gratitude to appreciate His blessing when it arrives.

One Week Later

I was tempted to call this section One Week as an homage to Barenaked Ladies, one of the greatest music singles ever recorded, but I'll keep it to topic.

I spent four days in the hospital. I couldn't hold my head up for 24 hours. I cried when I walked for the first time, but from pain, not from victory happiness. I cried in the middle of the night from discomfort. There was a massive incision on the back of my neck that I could feel as soon as I laid down.

I came home and spent two days in the recliner watching TV with my mom. On Sunday, I started eating foods that were more solid. I could turn my head a little. I could walk without a cane, but it looks cool so I'm keeping it. I spent a lot of time in bed and in my chair, watching Destination Truth and my favorite YouTube partners. 

I also realized how unimportant so much of my stress was. I didn't experience high school mean girls until 2017, seven years after graduating high school. I don't understand how people smile when they see you, but then talk down about you when you leave a room. It's something I had managed to avoid my whole life, and I plan on maintaining it now that I'm free of these people.

Health really is the ultimate deciding factor. I qualified for short term disability leave, but some people hope I can be back at work in a few weeks. I shake my head at this. I need to heal. I need to be pain-free. And no amount of money will make me feel better, so I'm going to stay home and rest as long as it takes.

Strength and Courage

This was not an easy road, but I'm nearing the end. I feel better than I did a week ago, and better than I did a month ago. I feel closer to peace now than I have at any point in the last six months. I know I have the strength and courage to undergo brain surgery, although that's a feat I didn't think I would ever need to prove.

I know that as long as I maintain my faith, God will hold me up. I know my strength and courage grow with each day. 

While not everyone needs to undergo brain surgery, God will test us to prove our true desire for what we ask, and during that test, He gifts us with the Holy Spirit to overcome everything He already knew we could.

But please, if there is a less invasive way for you to achieve peace, I advise you to go that way instead. May we all pay heed to God's voice and direction in our lives and take action when He calls us.

~*~*~

Below is my incision six days after surgery. They used sutures that would dissolve and then, and this is my mom's guess, tied me together with super glue, which is the mystery sheen you see.

I won't lie: I'm kind of digging the shave. It might stick around for a while.

Two days after Chiari Malformation surgery.

Six days after my Chiari Malformation surgery.

Eleven days after Chiari Malformation surgery.

How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 2

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be photos of the post-op results, but there will also be a disclaimer for those who do not wish to view them.*

This is Part 2 of my Brain Surgery series. To read Part 1, click here.

I need to reverse just a small bit. God delivers on His time. Usually, we think He acts too slowly, but for me, He knocked over so many dominoes that I lost count of the number of ups and downs I went through. While I prayed for peace in my heart, soul, and mind, God knew He had to fix my body first and granted my request through a romantic break-up and surgery news in the same two-week period.

Break-Ups Really Suck

I won't spend long here because it plays the stepping stone and we all know how this goes. This particular relationship involved more stress than any I've ever had, in good and bad ways, but I couldn't handle it any longer with my health.

While I was heartbroken, I also started feeling better in the few couple days after we parted. I wasn't constantly worried about how I was doing (he had kids who loved me but I stressed about my actions anyway), and I was stressed by so many outside forces that once they were removed, my mind relaxed almost instantly. 

Right when I thought I was doing alright a week and a half after, I received my MRI results from my doctor.

Permanent Solution to My Headaches

I had spent two years trying to solve my headaches. Western medicine had no lasting effect and the next step was narcotics, which I refused. Eastern and holistic practices eased my stress which helped, but nothing took away the pain. 

My neurologist is an amazing man. For anyone in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex seeking neuro help, Dr. Sabatino Bianco is the best in the business. He called me in for my follow-up appointment and basically asked, "When do want to do the surgery?"

I asked him to repeat himself on multiple things, but the fact of the matter is that the cerebellar tonsils should end where the skull ends.

Mine had herniated 9.7 millimeters past that toward the spinal cord.

My stress peaked. My depression soared with it. I stopped talking to friends, even the ones who were in need themselves (they hold no grudge against me for it now, but it's hard to let good friends down regardless). I had good days, but those were few and far between. My family cruised to Cozumel in January, and I had to psyche myself up for something I had dreamed of doing.

But my doctor promised that after this, I wouldn't have headaches. The overall percentage for those who undergo surgery for Chiari Malformation and never have the same level of pain is 80-90%, and those are the same numbers that never need follow-up procedures in the future. This cures it, and it's over.

The Journey Ahead

It took a little under two months to schedule my surgery after hearing the news. I feared who I would be without the pain. Was I the same person without headaches? Would I be who I was before or someone new? Would I even change at all?

It's scary to lose a piece of your identity, even the bad parts. I was constantly angry, sad, or scared. There wasn't much in between. 

What we forget is that we are never alone. I had to remember that even if I felt like I couldn't talk to family and friends, or when I felt that I was truly alone, that I had a friend in Jesus Christ. He gave His life for me, so even when I feel alone, that's me fooling myself. I remind myself everyday of this. I kept telling myself that these things would lead to good news in the end.

I think if we told ourselves that a little more often, we'd feel a lot better about ourselves and our courses in life.

~*~*~

For Part 1 of this series, click here.

For Part 3 of this series, click here.

How Brain Surgery Led Me to God's Peace: Part 1

*This is a three part blog series focusing on finding peace through trials. It was written in its entirety on February 13th, one week after undergoing surgery on the back of the skull. There will be photos of the post-op results, but there will also be a disclaimer for those who do not wish to view them.*

Stress is usually our greatest downfall. We can't switch to our dream career because we have a family to care for. We can't start a family because we're too involved with work. We can't volunteer our time because of our job, but we can't volunteer our treasure because of our family. We are always running to no concrete destination because walking isn't an option.

The modern world leaves no time for personal care and reflection, but I've learned that with God's help, our worlds can come to a temporary halt. It just demands a sacrifice. For me, that sacrifice was brain surgery.

I have never had control over my stress. I react negatively and quickly. I am quick to anger, to hurt and feel hurt, to yell, and to cry. Stress dominates my life, and it wasn't until last year when I realized that it was, in a nutshell, killing me though daily headaches.

In 2016, I had a CT scan and an MRI performed. They both revealed a herniation of my cerebellar tonsils, which are two spherical bits of tissue at the back of the skull that help connect to the spinal cord. My primary care physician said these couldn't be causing my headaches, so I forgot it and lived for another year a half. I went through a hard year in 2017, with my stress level peaking, until November when I contacted a neurologist.

Within three weeks of my first appointment and a second MRI, I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation Type 1 and scheduled for a suboccipital decompression and C1 laminectomy and duraplasty. One is considered cranial surgery; the other, spinal surgery.

I spent all of 2017 praying for peace, but I wasn't seeking the answer in the way God intended to provide it. God couldn't deliver me into His peace until I understood the journey, and in order to be free of stress and pain He needed me to undergo skull reshaping surgery to cure me.

What is Chiari Malformation?

My goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace in whatever form it comes. Part of reaching this peace was solving my health problems. 

Chiari Malformation Type 1 is the most common type and often times people live their lives without ever knowing they have it. For me, it caused daily headaches, sporadic blurred vision, and toward the end hand numbness and tingling. My cerebellar tonsils were peg-shaped and protruding into the space between the skull and the spinal cord. 

Not only did this block the fluid from draining out of head (which is what caused the headaches from the built-up pressure), but it also prevented the spine from receiving that fluid it needed to charge the nervous system. In the last few months before the surgery, my hands starting tingling and going numb, an early sign that permanent nerve damage could take place without the surgery.

Stress Indicator

While my headaches could have been caused by too much screen time, dehydration, and lack of sleep, each of these headaches felt different from each other. One would be dull (dehydration), and one would feel heavy (too much screen time). However, when I let myself feel too stressed by a multitude of situations, the headache stopped me from functioning.

My stress-induced headaches lasted far longer than the others, and soon none of my prescription medications worked. One drug took a month to stop working; another, six months. Some never worked at all. When headaches are caused by pressure build-up, which was the daily part, these other factors enhance the negative situation and is why most people who suffer like I did can't find relief.

But it was the fact that my stress was so high that forced me to seek out a neurologist. Some individuals told me to do this when the headaches first started, but when you switch from a primary physician to someone who only specializes in how your brain works, it's daunting. Am I really hurting this much? Am I overreacting?

God helped rid me of some of my stress factors: people, life goals, time restraints. He showed me that I needed to focus on my health and not so much on other things. 

Peace Leads to No Pain

One of the areas I prayed for peace in was in my pain. I asked God to cure me of my pain, and He delivered. He led me to a doctor who was able to cure me, but it came at a price, as most things do. If I could muster up the courage and strength to undergo skull reshaping surgery, I could be rid of headaches, which would rekindle my desires to pursue other areas of my life.

I want to buy a home. I want to get married and have cute little babies. I want to find a career that gives me purpose. I want to enjoy every day from the moment I wake up. In order to get to this, I need to take care of the pain.

God heard my prayer and answered. Now it was time for me to trust His Will and step forward.

~*~*~

For Part 2, click here.

For Part 3, click here.

I Gave up Anxiety for the 2018 Lenten Season

I am the queen of not deciding what to give up for Lent until Ash Wednesday. The last two years, and my only two years of participating in the Lenten season, I gave up YouTube in order to focus more on God, my family and friends, and my work. This year, I needed more than a break from distraction.

After hearing some bad news, I had about 10 seconds of fear before praying to God and asking for healing. I prayed that this person was already healed in His hands and name. I paced a bit, but my mind focused only on the faith that God would restore.

15 minutes later, some good news came in, and I worshiped God for His protection of us. I am still waiting to see this person, but with God's aid, I am settled at home and focusing on happier thoughts and praying for God's continued love and mercy.

With this positive experience, I decided to give up anxiety for Lent. As soon as I feel worried or upset, I will remove myself from the situation and pray. I will pray until my head clears and I can lean my trust on God's promises. It's not enough to give up a distraction or a bad habit for me anymore. Right now in my life, I need to focus on improving myself.

If I stop myself from slipping into worry and fear, I will be better equipped to handle stressful situations and therefore improve my health. May God help me in this endeavor for the next 40 days and into the days that follow. May God help each person participating in Lent with determination and will power, and may He bless all those who are overcoming obstacles and habits in their lives. Amen.

Authentically Me: Following Jesus' Teachings on Forgiving Friends

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. I harbor anger like a secret treasure someone might steal from me. The truth is, someone does want to take it: God wants to take this burden from me, but in order to do so, I have to give it up by forgiving those who hurt me.

I have a friend with whom our friendship is rocky. We went through a very dark time together, and while we lit up each other's lives, we also caused a lot of pain. Despite this, we want to only be positive influences, and I promised him I would try to forgive and trust and remember the good times for the future.

But that anger pulled me in the other direction. I hadn't spoken to him for a week and a half, and this is someone I once spoke to nearly every day. My anger told me to not call him or seek him out, and I listened. What I didn't know was that anger was going on for him, too, and it pushed us further apart with nothing more than miscommunication.

Today, the anger became too strong, and I called him. The anger wanted me to blow it out of proportion, but God wanted me to call him as well. God needed me to finally learn the lesson I had heard since I was introduced to the church.

All of these verses came straight from Jesus' mouth, which means he repeated himself, which means I'm not the only one not listening.

The first is Mark 11:24-25: "Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in Heaven will forgive your sins, too."

Jesus probably looked around and saw us nodding only to realize we were nodding off to sleep. So He speaks again. 

Matthew 6:14-15: "If you forgive those who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you. but if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

It's starting to sink in, but we're still not sold. Jesus decides to add a reverse element to it.

Matthew 5:23-24: "So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God."

God couldn't forgive me until I had truly forgiven my friend. But more than that, I cannot offer anything to God until I reconcile with those whom I know are angry with me. I knew my actions were hurting him, and so I had to reach out. Yes, there was shortness in our words, but we also found healing, and as the conversation carried on, so God carried away a little more of my anger.

I need peace in my life, so that means owning up to my actions and words that might feel good to me, but are harming others. If we are pleasing God by doing something easy, the odds are He is not pleased. We need to be forged by the fire to be strong enough to be followers of Christ. 

I know times will come again where this same event will replicate. A different person, a different reason, but I hope that next time, I won't wallow in anger as long and realize that if I'm hurting, the other person probably is to. Everybody is human, and I need to remember this to remember their pain and how much we both need forgiveness from each other and from our Lord.

May we all find a little more forgiveness in our friendships in this day. Amen.

Being Single Can Be Purposeful

Being single is hard. 

That's what I wanted to title this piece, but part of welcoming peace into my life is understanding where I am right now in my journey. I always view my previous romantic relationships as failures because I always have a goal: marriage and a family. The reason I don't casually date is not because I have a fear of commitment; rather, I have a strong desire for permanence and that's usually where trouble starts.

I have many previous friendships that ended, but I never considered them failures. I simply didn't click with their personality. Why are romantic relationships different? I think it's because we don't imagine a future with our friends. They're for day to day affairs. But a romantic relationship involves togetherness, buying homes, raising children, meeting families.

If I can't imagine a future with someone, I tend to shy away and find another.

God hasn't told me what I'm doing is wrong. In fact, my faith has strengthened with each relationship and break-up. I am a planner, and I think about the future a lot, which is what God hopes for each of us I believe. If we don't plan, how can we help others or prepare ourselves to help others when the need arises?

But something God goes around and around with me about is how to handle my singleness. I am much more diligent in my religious affairs when I'm single, and I read more when I'm not doting on another person. He needs me to be single for many reasons (definitely a woman of flaws), but one of them He keeps bringing back around is how to make the most of my singlehood.

From the Mass on January 28, 2018, the New Testament reading comes from first Corinthians 7:32-35:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Free from concern. Free from worry and stress. Free from conflicting ideas. I have so many of all of these rattling in my brain, but as a single woman, God reminds me that He is my number one priority, even after I find my husband.

I believed my purpose was to be a writer, and I followed that dream for 14 years with substantial success in my endeavors. When writing wasn't calling me in the same way when I reached my mid-twenties, I felt lost until I experienced raising kids. I loved it, but the kids weren't mine and after the break-up I left them behind. I felt lost again.

I believe God has a family in store for me, but He still needs me to focus on Him until I figure out what He needs me to accomplish as an individual. This is the only point in my youthful life that I will have this much leisure time. I need to use it to my advantage and plan ahead, not just for marriage, but for the kind of woman I want to be in that marriage and with others in my life. I want to help, not hinder.

Being single is hard, but only when you don't take all the opportunities it offers. The sting might still be there, it is for me, but I can only achieve my purpose if I align my goals with God.

Authentically Me: Words to Heal

Clip from Daily TV Mass on YouTube

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. I started listening to the daily Masses while at work, and when I finish the day's, I jump to 2017 and work my way through the ones I've missed. I choose to follow the Daily TV Mass on YouTube and came across the Mass from March 23, 2017.

In this Mass, the reading comes from Luke 11:14-23, but what really stuck with me was the homily given by Father Bianco. To summarize, Father Bianco highlights the power behind communication and how to use our words to better the world and people around us. Specifically for my goal, he talks about how Jesus used His words to heal.

Most of us know how to treat people how we would like to be treated. We even know that we should refrain from gossip. But for me, my greatest enemy is the internal tongue: my mind. My head runs through conversations and scenarios that bring out the worst in me, the parts I would never unleash on another human being, but in my head, I am a reckless and belligerent person. These words may not harm the other person, but they are words that are stopping me from the proper healing I desire.

The idea of seeking and welcoming peace isn't to merely forgive outwardly. I need to forgive internally. Every time I pray for longer than 30 seconds, I try to say, out loud, "I forgive so-and-so." By stating this, I start to believe it. It may take me a month before it's true, but this active movement in the right direction is part of words that heal me.

I need to speak words that heal. I need to speak words of honesty and integrity. I need to speak openly and with forgiveness. I need to not speak when I need to first think. I need to hold my tongue when someone else is genuinely opening up to me. I need to speak when I know that my words will build up and nothing more. As Toby Mac said, I need to speak life.

May God offer me words, externally and internally, of truth, honesty, and integrity, but most importantly, words with love behind them.

Lil Bean Book Recs: January Reads

One of my lifestyle changes for 2018 was to always have a book on my nightstand and to read 30 minutes minimum daily. My church gave out copies of Perfectly Yourself by Matthew Kelly, so I researched popular titles on Dynamic Catholic and then perused my library digital shelves. The following are the faith-based titles I read and finished in January 2018.

The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic

Matthew Kelly has written and published dozens of books, and the second one I read is The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic. It calls for Catholics to not only attend church on Sunday and participate in regular confession, but to get involved and engaged with their parish. 

This book was given to me upon my Confirmation by my sponsor last year. It's not just a book of encouragement, but also provides reasoning behind why it's so important to be an active member of the church. While our financial contributions do help, our local parish also needs our time and talent to perform at its peak and help as many people as it can.

Kelly writes very conversationally, making it easy to hear his voice and want to listen to his arguments. For anyone entering the church, I would highly recommend this book to get the wheels rolling on how to get involved with the community. Joining the church is only the first step, and Catholics needs to get engaged in order to feel fully connected to their new family.

Almost Catholic

One way or another, I stumbled across Almost Catholic: An Appreciation of the History, Practice, and Mystery of Ancient Faith by Jon Sweeney, a self-proclaimed "evolved" Protestant. As a convert to Catholicism, I love hearing about stories of people who discovered their faith later in life. There's something solidifying to know that someone was tested on faith by never knowing faith, and the fall that happens when you finally give in to faith is a feeling that stays with you.

Rather than teaching on the faith and the church in terms of conversion, Sweeney explains the why's behind so many traditions and beliefs that both non-Catholics and Catholics cannot explain. I spent five years in El Paso, a largely dominant Catholic city, but when I asked about why they pray to saints and not directly to God, about why Mary is given so much reverence, about why baptism happens at birth, no one had a concrete answer or even an answer at all in some cases.

These are just a handful of questions that have pretty straightforward answers when the need arises for straightforwardness, but so many cradle Catholics cannot answer these questions because, quite frankly, their confirmation classes ended when they were about 13 or 14 and so they forget most of it. I'm the same with algebra. The difference is that we should constantly remember our faith and church to help those outside of the church understand our beliefs when they inquire.

Sweeney does this well, especially when he draws from his Protestant upbringing. Sweeney calls himself an almost Catholic because he has never officially joined the Catholic church, but everything he provides in his book answers many of the most commonly asked questions regarding the church, beliefs, and traditions.

The best way to get concrete answers about something is someone who has already been in your shoes. Sweeney provides fully-fleshed answers to not just the traditions, but also the history (as the title implies) and everything in between.

The Names They Gave Us

Emery Lord is a name that has popped up more often in YA literature in the last few years, but I

never read her titles until this year. The Names They Gave Us is a look at faith and trust when everything hard about life hits at the same time. I needed this lighter fictional read to break up the nonfiction, but I stayed close to Christianity to keep me focused on my goals.

This novel follows a young seventeen year old girl who doubts God after her mom's cancer comes back and her boyfriend breaks up with her. It doesn't matter what age I am; there is always something I'm angry about, and watching how this protagonist overcame her obstacles to learn to trust in her faith again was something that deeply resonated with me. I'm going to pick up more of Emery Lord's work and hope they're all as beautiful as her latest release.