My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. I've struggled with impatience all my life, but recently, I feel impatient about where I am in life. I'm turning 26 this year, and by this point, I expected to be married, have babies, and live in my own house. But our timing does not match God's timing.
Feeling Graced
I started my faith journey when I was 20. I knew I wouldn't be sold overnight, but for some reason, I expect to be transformed overnight when I pray for peace, grace, and mercy. I want to feel free of anger and hurt, but just like I wasn't hurt from a single event, I can't expect to move on from it from a night's sleep.
I think for most of us, we don't want to feel graced in the sense that we're perfect. I think it's simpler: we want to feel graced to know that we don't need these negative feelings and memories to trap us into the devil's hands. When we constantly feel and remember the Lord, the devil has less of a hold on us. We're not made to be perfect, but God created us to be kind, loving, humble, and helpful. He did not intend for us to live in the sins of revenge, addiction, anger, and cruelty.
For me, it was learning about how to accept grace and change gradually. Just like I won't obtain all my dreams on the same day, I won't obtain the best version of myself after one prayer session. However, with this realization, comes the understanding that waiting requires maturity.
Maturity and St. Teresa of Avila's Example
I'm in the middle of reading 15 Days of Prayer with St. Teresa of Avila by Jean Abiven. On pages 22 to 23, Abiven explains one of our problems with waiting on God's transformation for us:
"First, [Lord Jesus] teach[es] us to be patient. We cannot make a plant grow by pulling on its leaves. It takes time for fruit to reach maturity. It accomplishes nothing to force the process. In the same way, we do not reach the stature of a perfect person in Christ overnight. Lord, You are patient with us because You are strong, and You know that You have to wait until Your time. And ours."
St. Teresa is my patron saint, and her life involved a series of slipping from grace and having to reach it again. It wasn't until she was about 40 that she permanently managed to change her life to God completely and without desire to slip again. She had been a Catholic her entire life, but it took 40 years for her to become the woman God designed her to be.
This is the same for us. God wants us to transform based on His timeline, but it also depends on when we mature for the role He created. Maturity comes in the forms of forgetting the pain, smiling after betrayal, and strengthening relationships after we've been hurt. We cannot help someone if we're still clinging to the emotional pain they may have inflicted. It's not until we help for the sake of kindness that God moves us forward.
Maturity doesn't necessarily come with age, but experience. This is why people with the most maturity are usually older because they've had time to experience more. But there are young adults who are mature because they've seen things that were so traumatic or experienced such large events that they grew into the person they're meant to be sooner.
I want to change instantly, but that doesn't mean I'm emotionally, mentally, or spiritually ready. I need to be patient. If I am still angry, it could be because I'm overlooking the true reasons why I feel this way. Or, I am not allowing myself to be freed because I'm giving into temptation. Either way, something inside me needs to mature before I can move forward.
May the Lord allow us all to become our authentic selves in the way He intended. I pray you all experience the love of Christ Jesus and better understand yourselves and Him. May God be praised, Amen.
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