Authentically Me: Choosing Which Parts of Me Represent Me

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. My goal for this series is to remember the epiphanies that brought me closer to the person I hope to be as a Christian, a human being, and a friend.

This past year has taught me about discovering myself through understanding who I already am. I'm giggly with an anger tendency; I'm hopeful and doubtful about my future relationship, or the fear that I may not have one, multiple times in a day; I experience pain from feeling overly happy due to my head trauma. These contradictions make up who I am, and I once believed that to be a good person, I needed to rid myself of the bad parts.

Scars aren't the only things that change us. Rather than eliminating my anger, I try to use it as a tool. What spurred this reaction? Was it the realization of truth or falsehood? Was merely the wrong person speaking these truths, and if so, what does this tell me about how I do and then should feel about them? I keep this scar at the forefront to remind me of the mistakes I made in the past, to not only avoid repetition in the future but to guide me in similar situations later on.

We're each made of contradictions, but the contradictions don't make us bad people. The anger is a part of my growth and person as much as my laughter, but I want to be remembered for the latter and that's okay. Perhaps God gave me this anger to better understand my reactions and beliefs, and it's merely the flesh that is misusing it. The more I study the faith and those who practice it, the more control I feel over how I react when I feel angry.

My doubt and hope are just as equal. There are days when I wake up ready to take on the world as an independent person who has their life semi-figured out at the moment, but those same days, I experience the reminder of loneliness through an inability to accomplish something or through news of a successful couple. These reminders pull me back down into doubting God and whether I have someone out there for me. Maybe I don't, and if that's God's will, I'm going to need a lot more trust, strength, and ice cream. But in the meantime, I try to remain hopeful for my dream.

My anger itself isn't a problem; it's the way I unleash it on others and myself. To be someone who remains calm in anger and frustration is as much a compliment to me as someone who says I brighten their day with my smile. Perhaps I'm doing something right because my family and friends scoff when I say I have anger issues, but only we know our greatest demons. I know I have work left to do, but I feel more like myself with each month.

I want all my parts to represent me even if the rest of the world doesn't see them all. The world may not remember me for my doubt, anger, or suffering, but the way I treat others depends on how well I interact with the vices inside me. I choose to let all these pieces showcase my authentic self because accepting each piece will lead me to achieve peace.

My God, humble us, Your children. We do all things because of You. We praise You, we love You, and we ask that You guide us through all stages of life until we meet with You on Judgment Day. May we enlighten the world because of Your grace. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Relying on Strength Rather Than Empathy

I ran across a text photo on social media that said, along the lines, "I stopped talking to people about my problems and started praying because I realized I wanted strength instead of sympathy."

This action is one that I have fervently been practicing for the past year.

It wasn't until my previous relationship that I realized I couldn't rely on any person for my happiness or security. Yes, family and friends should support you and guide you when necessary, but sometimes, the problem within the relationship occurs because too many outside people are throwing out advice that isn't warranted.

The more I intentionally thought about who to contact when faced with large dilemmas or sudden frustration, the more my mind worked through the solution or emotions on its own. Whether these events involved friendships, family members, or colleagues, there were few instances where the counsel of a wise and impartial confidant aided the situation.

As a Christian, it's easy to forget that I can slip into prayer and speak to my Father at any given moment. Because I can't hear the words or feel His arms, I think I can find better comfort elsewhere. What happens is I'm still left troubled and now one more person is aware of my situation and emotions, for better or worse.

When we talk with others, we often find empathy, or, in the case of false friends, we stumble into hostile territory where we have now provided weaknesses. For me, when I confided in certain individuals last year, I found that while they didn't use the information to attack me, they did use it to fuel fire for their own purposes, fires that ended up burning large enough to burn me before they died down.

There's still anger in my heart for these actions. It's one of the last embers I can't put out. I learned a lot from this past year, and I largely learned about manipulation and what it looks like emotionally. I ruined my own happiness and security because I placed my strength in people instead of God and crumbled with the rest of them when their kingdom finally fell.

Relying on strength means relying on God. It means coming to Him in our times of need. Even if I only pray for guidance on who to turn to, when my mind comes up blank, that is God's way of telling me that this problem isn't large enough or complicated enough for me to involve another. My strength comes from knowing that God puts obstacles in my life at every turn: buying a home, ending a relationship, and overcoming disagreements in the workplace all play similar roles in building me into the person God intended.

My Lord, bring me to Your arms. Remind me of Your comfort and love amidst the confusion of the world. My final resting place is with You in Your Kingdom; therefore, help me to reside with You during my time here on earth. I pray for the healing of all people and the goodness of each to rise above their temptations. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Fulfilling the Second Greatest Commandment in the Wrong Way

Yesterday's Gospel reading focused on Mark 12:29-31:

Jesus said, "The most important commandment is this: 'Hear, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you  must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.' The second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' No other commandment is greater than these."

Exodus 20:16-17 include not lying against or coveting our neighbors, but what Jesus says brings this commandment into a different light. Many individuals may be able to say that they do not gossip about others or that they are not jealous of what their co-workers or friends have, but are they being treated well?

Today's society suffers from an extreme case of low self-esteem. We talk down on ourselves mentally and aloud: we aren't doing enough, we should have moved up in our career by now, we should be married with children, we should spend more time with our families, we should lose weight. The list goes on, but then there are more generalized comments we think of ourselves: I'm annoying, I'm disliked, I don't do anything right, I shouldn't be here anymore.

The way we speak to ourselves is a reflection of the love we have for ourselves. Imagine telling your spouse, best friend, or child that they're constantly ruining things and that it'd be better if they stayed home and did their own thing. What kind of emotional and mental damage would that cause? If it's not something you can say to another human being, it isn't something you should say to yourself.

Jesus calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves, and unfortunately, we are. The same degrading love we shower on ourselves is the selfish, doubtful love that others receive. We don't always do the most for others when half the work will suffice. We might scroll through social media when a friend or family member calls rather than listen to their words. We might make excuses for why we can't help at a work function because we'd rather be at home focusing on ourselves.

The problem isn't that we're disobeying God, but we're following His law through a loophole. We should love our neighbor as we love our best friend, our children, our mentors. We should love each other as much as those closest to us. We should love them as God loves us.

Whenever I catch myself falling into a spiral of negativity, I remember the lesson I received from a spiritual mentor a few years ago: if I spoke aloud what I felt in front of my parents, how would they react? Would they feel comfortable with hearing me talk about how worthless and broken I am, or would it hurt them to hear the being they created speak as though it was a failed undertaking?

That is how God must feel. He hears us beating ourselves and others up, and it hurts Him because He created us. He intended us to live a full life, and we're trying to convince Him that He failed. God does not fail. He does not make mistakes. Perhaps society should change its mindset to loving each other as God loves us.

The commandments are not outdated. They still need to be followed as instructed, especially considering a few of them are laws in nearly every country, but for those commandments that are not as simple to follow, we need to rearrange our thinking of ourselves to better serve those around us.

My Lord, my God, grant us the patience to love accordingly, the wisdom to know what love is, the grace to show others how to love, and the strength to love even in times of conflict. May we come together in Your name and experience the love You have for us in our love for others and self. Amen.

Lil Bean Book Recs: October 2018

One of my lifestyle changes for 2018 was to always have a book on my nightstand and to read 30 minutes minimum daily. For October, I shifted my focus from general faith to finding and achieving joy and peace.

The Book of Joy

The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World follows a few days with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu through the eyes of writer Douglas Abrams. The two world leaders discuss how to find joy in the everyday and how to encourage it through practice and intention.

I studied world religions in college, and while some focus on a deity and others on interconnections, at the core of every spiritual belief is the idea that serving others and showcasing kindness is the ultimate path to joy. When we give, we experience a joy that is difficult to put into words: helping someone, bringing them happiness, or sharing a positive experience are things that put joy into our lives in a way that nothing else does. 

I wrote pages of notes during my reading of this book, but I haven't sat down to expand on the ideas yet. This is definitely a title I want to revisit like The Book of my Life by Teresa of Avila because I know that with each growth in life I experience, I will gain new insights from the teachings of the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Tutu. 

The book follows a pattern of stories, lessons, and then first-hand experiences of joy from Abrams. We tend to be so focused on our next step that we forget to stop and live in the moments that we hope pass faster. We won't ever get this moment back, so why not stop to relish in every piece of it? Joy comes from being present, not thinking on the past or anticipating the future. 

I'm glad I took a break from the more theological titles I'd been picking up to remind myself that not everything needs to be broken down and analyzed. Sometimes, a little break and a breath of fresh air is all I need to remember how far I've come and how much better life can be with a little more time in silence.