My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. My goal for this series is to remember the epiphanies that brought me closer to the person I hope to be as a Christian, a human being, and a friend.
This past year has taught me about discovering myself through understanding who I already am. I'm giggly with an anger tendency; I'm hopeful and doubtful about my future relationship, or the fear that I may not have one, multiple times in a day; I experience pain from feeling overly happy due to my head trauma. These contradictions make up who I am, and I once believed that to be a good person, I needed to rid myself of the bad parts.
Scars aren't the only things that change us. Rather than eliminating my anger, I try to use it as a tool. What spurred this reaction? Was it the realization of truth or falsehood? Was merely the wrong person speaking these truths, and if so, what does this tell me about how I do and then should feel about them? I keep this scar at the forefront to remind me of the mistakes I made in the past, to not only avoid repetition in the future but to guide me in similar situations later on.
We're each made of contradictions, but the contradictions don't make us bad people. The anger is a part of my growth and person as much as my laughter, but I want to be remembered for the latter and that's okay. Perhaps God gave me this anger to better understand my reactions and beliefs, and it's merely the flesh that is misusing it. The more I study the faith and those who practice it, the more control I feel over how I react when I feel angry.
My doubt and hope are just as equal. There are days when I wake up ready to take on the world as an independent person who has their life semi-figured out at the moment, but those same days, I experience the reminder of loneliness through an inability to accomplish something or through news of a successful couple. These reminders pull me back down into doubting God and whether I have someone out there for me. Maybe I don't, and if that's God's will, I'm going to need a lot more trust, strength, and ice cream. But in the meantime, I try to remain hopeful for my dream.
My anger itself isn't a problem; it's the way I unleash it on others and myself. To be someone who remains calm in anger and frustration is as much a compliment to me as someone who says I brighten their day with my smile. Perhaps I'm doing something right because my family and friends scoff when I say I have anger issues, but only we know our greatest demons. I know I have work left to do, but I feel more like myself with each month.
I want all my parts to represent me even if the rest of the world doesn't see them all. The world may not remember me for my doubt, anger, or suffering, but the way I treat others depends on how well I interact with the vices inside me. I choose to let all these pieces showcase my authentic self because accepting each piece will lead me to achieve peace.
My God, humble us, Your children. We do all things because of You. We praise You, we love You, and we ask that You guide us through all stages of life until we meet with You on Judgment Day. May we enlighten the world because of Your grace. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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