Authentically Me: Peace Can't Work Alone

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. I knew that my anger and bitterness needed to be overcome, but I thought that peace by itself would be the cure to my sins. What I didn't realize is that peace is the outcome, and love and forgiveness were the medicine.

Taking a Dose of Love

I am very inclined to help. I do more at work than is asked, I inquire about family, and I smile to strangers when I'm out doing errands. I am a very friendly person, but friendliness does not equate to love.

My anger stems from years of hurt. Because I have been hurt for so long and by so many people, I think that there must be something wrong with me. When I grew up and heard others compliment me and thank me, I was confused because that wasn't how I was treated by the ones before. It's not a new story, but it's one most of us are familiar with: we realize that we're not horrible people, which means that those other ones are bad people.

Granted, that's not correct either, but that's what my young adult brain went with. For me, young adult isn't a physical age as much as a mental age. Once we start maturing, we turn into adults because we no longer partake in childish games. I was still playing these games by thinking that this person is bad and that one is worse so I will just blame my anger on them.

For anyone who has experienced extreme anger, either in themselves or in loved ones, they will know it's not something to sweep under the rug. I internalize anger, which leads to stress, break-outs, weight gain, and loss of sleep and all over terrible health, but many anger sufferers externalize and blow up, causing the damage that is displayed all over television, movies, and the news. While anger is felt by everyone, it is still my fault when I allow the anger to linger and manifest into something stronger.

I prayed for peace in my life, but that's like catching the cold and praying for health without drinking water, eating foods filled with vitamin C, and getting rest. God will work miracles in miraculous situations. Otherwise, He wants our trust in Him and for us to take the action we can to help ourselves.

I was suffering with anger and bitterness and praying for the cure, but I wasn't taking my medicine of love to remedy the situation. And here's another thing: when I'm angry, I block off my heart so that others can't hurt me again. Jesus Christ did not advocate for this. He advocated for love, but why is it so hard for us to do? Because when we're angry, we have control over who can hurt us, but when we love, we open ourselves up to be attacked again.

What God is trying to teach me right now is that with or without the anger, I'm not in control of anything but my own reactions.

Showing Love

It's hard to love someone when they have consistently hurt you. Even if you take yourself out of the equation like I have, you still have to forgive them and show them love when you think of them. The anger will jump in at any opportunity given, so God is calling me to love.

1 Peter 4:8 is what called me. "Most important of all, continue to show deep love, for love covers a multitude of sins." The day before, it was a quote from St. John of the Cross that led me to rethink the way I was handling my peace goal and repent of my sins. "In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone."

I need to show love, namely because the Lord calls for it, but He also created me so that I hate to be hateful toward others. My mind is a dark place where I imagine the worst scenarios taking place (and I think a lot of us do this on our bad days), but when I speak to someone in person, it's difficult for me to hurt someone because I know how it feels. I don't want others to hurt in my place; I just want to stop hurting and feel like myself again.

Showing love isn't easy when they've done something wrong, but we have all failed, and we have all hurt someone without realizing we have. If it's consistent, we must prayerfully consider whether we should be around this person at the moment. If it's a one-time thing, we need to communicate our emotions and find ways to remedy. If we treat our anger, bitterness, hatred, sadness, and worry like a disease we can cure, I think we'll be in a better mind set to treat it rather than blame ourselves for yet something else we "can't control." 

I need to show love. I need to be an example of Christ. I need to be a better person.

My God, may You be praised, glorified, and adored. We worship You this day. May You protect us from ourselves and may You strengthen us through the storms. All that we have comes from You and You alone. We need you, Father, and we thank You for Your endless mercy and hope. Instill in us the desire to be like Christ Jesus and envelope us in the love of Your Holy Spirit. Amen.

St. John of the Cross and Love

This past week, I read What Pope Francis Really Said by Tom Hoopes. While it brought up many hot button issues, the passages on love, forgiveness, and acceptance are what made me look within myself to understand where I have been failing. I have a hard time accepting that I can fail at success and not be considered a failure, but God is slowly beating me over the head with Christian writers and saints who repeat one thing throughout their work:

Love is the greatest act we can receive and the greatest act we can give.

I have failed at showing love because I let pain overshadow the opportunity for new love. I am built with anger because I don't believe that love will keep me safe. I am expecting hatred to be where love once stood, and God may be ready to strike me with lightning if I don't change my mindset.

Tom Hoopes quoted Pope Francis quoting St. John of the Cross (and with a B.A. in Creative Writing, there is another way to write that without sounding redundant, but I personally like how this particular repetition sounds). Since I'm a convert Catholic, I'm unfamiliar with many common quotes from saints and religious writers, but I'm soaking up the advice as I fast as I can read it. St. John of the Cross said, "In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone."

We will be judged on love alone.

I have not loved like I should. I have not forgiven as I should. I am sorry God, for having offended you through my actions and words to others. I am sorry for hurting them because of a lack of love. Please heal them, my Lord, and please allow me to heal and overcome hurt so that it no longer destroys the love that I can be pouring out to others.

If I am judged on love, I would fail in a way that would break God's heart because He imagines so much more for His children. If I am to be judged on love and forgiveness and mercy and kindness, may I envelope all of these and more so that others no longer see me in my actions, but they see Your Son, Jesus Christ.

Help me, oh Lord. Guide me, oh Father. In the evening of this life, may I only hold love in my heart for my brothers and sisters and joy upon finally seeing you face to face.

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

God is Positive and I am Negative

In The Book of My Life by St. Teresa of Avila, she writes, "Now that I see everything the Lord promised me fulfilled in this house, I recognize that I never fully believed that what the Lord had told me would come true. Yet I could never really doubt that it would either. I can't explain it. Sometimes I thought it was impossible that it would happen; other times I thought it was impossible that it wouldn't. Finally, I sorted it out: the Lord was responsible for the positive parts, and I for the negative. At that point, I stopped thinking about it."

This hit me in the gut.

Our doubt does not come from God. Our fear does not come from God. Our worry does not come from God. This all radiates from ourselves and outside forces. It radiates from a lack of trust in God's ability to manifest His will.

This is something that didn't click until now. Assigning myself this negative role makes sense. Anyone who thinks evil comes directly from God is trying to fill in a hole in their argument. God only expresses anger when His children oppose Him and disobey Him. It does not come from miscommunication and attention like our own. God is positive in the sense that all good we experience is a result of His grace and power.

I fall into despair because I think that when something happens, God has abandoned me. But God is merely testing my faith, and I fail miserably each time.

A friend once told me that one of the things she doesn't like about Catholicism is how much emphasis is placed on our sins. At the time, I saw her point, but after immersing myself, I realize that ego is a major problem in our society. If so many people hadn't pointed out my anger, I might not have understood the problem in my heart. One of the priests told me last month that my anger deals more damage to my soul than any of my other transgressions because it stunts forgiveness both from me to others and from God to me. Had I not focused on my flaws, I wouldn't have been given the awareness to change when I did.

The negativity in my life is a result of my lack of faith and the devil's hold on my ties to this earth. If I place all my trust in God, there is no room for any of these negativities. Stress, anxiety, fear, anger, bitterness, and doubt would have no place in my soul if I put God where He deserves to be: first.

My Lord, we are merely Your servants and Your children and we know not what we do. May You grace us with Your Word and will so that we may become the faithful servants and obedient children You see us to be. Bless us with the grace to please You alone. Your goodness never fails. May the world praise Your name alone. Amen.

Authentically Me: Seeking Wisdom Over Knowledge

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. In the last 6 years of exploring Christianity and religion as a whole, I journeyed down numerous paths to knowledge so that I would know what I wanted to pursue. Upon deciding on Catholicism in 2016 and joining the faith, I now realize how little use knowledge has compared to the wisdom spoken of in the Bible.

Worldly and Spiritual Matters

Learning about religion and sacred places helped me discern what resonated with me in my head first, but it was my heart and soul that led me to decide. While I studied major world religions in university and focused intently on the eastern beliefs for my minor in Asian studies, this knowledge did little to soothe the struggles in my life because I wasn't relying on them as my source of faith.

Worldly knowledge is sought above most things, and while I have said before that education is essential, it's important for me to note how I change mentally when I'm in deep study of worldly matters. I become distant from any sort of prayer or scripture because I think that the more answers I obtain, the more omnipotent I become, which is absolutely dumb. I somehow grow more ignorant when I rely on worldly facts.

The truth is, my knowledge is not tied to my worth as a human being, and since that's how I equated it for most of my life, my ego boosted with each semester of school that passed. However, all I learned was how to stand in awe of someone who had a higher degree or more years of experience and that comparison caused me anxiety and stress because I wanted to stand where they stood.

Worldly matters change every day, every year, every decade, but spiritual matters are constant. I must treat others how I want to be treated. I should be slow to anger and quick to forgive. I should do my work diligently. The more I read spiritual or faith-based books, the more at peace I am with those around me instead of wondering how much further along in life they may be compared to me.

At the end of the day, knowledge will change with the times, but wisdom transcends time.

Wisdom as a Journey

Wisdom is not a fact we learn one day and remember it forever. We must strive to be better than we were yesterday, and that involves improving our minds, hearts, and souls in every flaw we discover.

Wisdom for me is understanding how to forgive quickly and praise God with every situation in my life without disruption. Wisdom for me is remembering God's voice in my head when I am angry, bitter, or hurt and stopping myself from acting out in worldly ways with yelling or fighting. Wisdom is knowing that I am always second to my Lord, and that my purpose is to serve Him and my brothers and sisters.

I don't know if anyone achieves wisdom. Sure, we think that this person and that person are wise, but internally, they may always see themselves as a work-in-progress, and we should all see ourselves that way. Once we think we've reached the top and have no more to learn is when we let ignorance and ego take over. At this point, we have to start again.

This is one of the reasons I adore St. Teresa of Avila. She never saw herself as doing enough for the Lord and always wanting to learn from those who are educated, but at the end of the day, her unrelenting faith is what brought about her sainthood, not a formal education. By focusing on the things that matter, we start to realize how many unimportant things are given an undue pedestal.

My Lord, guide me on Your path. May I stay humble and eager to learn from You and those You have called to do Your work. Thanks be to God.

This Past Homily: 3 Points to Overcome Hurt

One of the improvements I want to make in my spiritual life is being more invested during the homily. I wrote down the key topics that stuck with me from this past Sunday, and how I hope to use them to better my faith and myself.

3 Points to Overcome Hurt

This past week, Father Mike spoke about family and bitterness, specifically disagreements that carry on far longer than they should. The idea he highlighted was how to treat everyone as our brother or sister, and the ways to reach this state of mind.

Number one: Forgive and act as though you have forgiven them

This is the most difficult, but also the purest form of mercy. Either we are able to forgive them in our hearts, or we act to show that we have. It's a way for both you and the other person to move forward in your relationship and rebuild. Unfortunately, this is not always possible or at least not in the beginning, but it is always the end goal.

Number two: Speak mercifully to others if you can't forgive

Just because we cannot come to terms with how we were treated does not mean we should cause harm. No matter what, we treat all people with mercy and respect. This step will help in reaching the ultimate stage of forgiveness, and it will show the power of Christ to the one who hurt you. If Christ can turn the other cheek, then we are called to do the same.

Number 3: Pray mercifully for others if you can't speak to them

This is the stage I am stuck on for a particular group of people. When I spoke mercifully, I was downplayed and ignored or insulted and mocked. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I lashed out and now am facing attacks for my actions even though I only did what they had done to me.

At the end of it, I should stay away from anyone I know I cannot interact with, and this is my last and only option left. I am striving and praying for the desire to pray for these individuals because I know that we all make mistakes. I cannot expect to deliver judgment or see it delivered because that is all in God's control. If He decides to do something or work in them, it has nothing to do with me or my life, and God has shown me this by forcibly removing me from them forever.

These three points spoke to me last Sunday because of the events that played out the week before. Being a Christian is a never-ending life journey: just like Job was pushed and pushed, so will we be. However, unlike Job, we have Jesus to turn to and look upon as a model. If we simply strive to be like Him, we will slowly but surely transform ourselves into merciful and forgiving friends, family members, and community members.

Heavenly Father, Lord of lords, You are the true merciful king. We beg for your mercy and forgiveness in this fight against temptation and sin. May we seek Your graces alone and may our goal be only to please You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Lil Bean Book Recs: April 2018

One of my lifestyle changes for 2018 was to always have a book on my nightstand and to read 30 minutes minimum daily. This month I wanted to delve more into St. Teresa of Avila, who I chose to be my patron saint at the time of my Confirmation.

The Book of My Life

St. Teresa of Avila was a woman who thought she did nothing but fall short of God's grace, and this is the greatest reason why I connect with her.

This memoir focuses on her early age to her late forties. Teresa of Avila often puts herself down, thinking her actions and thoughts are not enough to exemplify the goodness of God, and spends her life questioning how God could use a soul as weak as hers. At her core, she loves and desires nothing but a connection with Him, and her desires are what I hope to have.

I first found Teresa of Avila because she is the patron saint of headache sufferers, but the more I read about her, the more I realize my constant slips back into sin align me more with her than any chronic pain could. She strives to be better every day she wakes up, and this mindset is what I have been working toward for the last six months.

I want my soul to be on fire for God to the point where my old temptations do nothing but make me laugh. I want to be strong enough to not only push them away, but face my previous downfalls without hesitation in my choice to walk away. I want to pray so fervently that I can't deny that God is with me at all times. I want to love God and Jesus Christ to the point where I wake up with joy that everyone feels because my heart is so full it can't be contained.

I started this book last spring, but stopped halfway. I'm so grateful for the renewed desire to pick it up, start over, and finish it because Teresa of Avila mirrors so many of my spiritual downfalls that it renews my spirit to try again, and her closeness to God in her heart inspires me to be that close to Him, too.

I plan on reading more of Teresa of Avila's works, but in the meantime, I think I may jump back over to Matthew Kelly or perhaps find someone new to fuel my motivation to be a better Christian today than I was yesterday.