God is Positive and I am Negative

In The Book of My Life by St. Teresa of Avila, she writes, "Now that I see everything the Lord promised me fulfilled in this house, I recognize that I never fully believed that what the Lord had told me would come true. Yet I could never really doubt that it would either. I can't explain it. Sometimes I thought it was impossible that it would happen; other times I thought it was impossible that it wouldn't. Finally, I sorted it out: the Lord was responsible for the positive parts, and I for the negative. At that point, I stopped thinking about it."

This hit me in the gut.

Our doubt does not come from God. Our fear does not come from God. Our worry does not come from God. This all radiates from ourselves and outside forces. It radiates from a lack of trust in God's ability to manifest His will.

This is something that didn't click until now. Assigning myself this negative role makes sense. Anyone who thinks evil comes directly from God is trying to fill in a hole in their argument. God only expresses anger when His children oppose Him and disobey Him. It does not come from miscommunication and attention like our own. God is positive in the sense that all good we experience is a result of His grace and power.

I fall into despair because I think that when something happens, God has abandoned me. But God is merely testing my faith, and I fail miserably each time.

A friend once told me that one of the things she doesn't like about Catholicism is how much emphasis is placed on our sins. At the time, I saw her point, but after immersing myself, I realize that ego is a major problem in our society. If so many people hadn't pointed out my anger, I might not have understood the problem in my heart. One of the priests told me last month that my anger deals more damage to my soul than any of my other transgressions because it stunts forgiveness both from me to others and from God to me. Had I not focused on my flaws, I wouldn't have been given the awareness to change when I did.

The negativity in my life is a result of my lack of faith and the devil's hold on my ties to this earth. If I place all my trust in God, there is no room for any of these negativities. Stress, anxiety, fear, anger, bitterness, and doubt would have no place in my soul if I put God where He deserves to be: first.

My Lord, we are merely Your servants and Your children and we know not what we do. May You grace us with Your Word and will so that we may become the faithful servants and obedient children You see us to be. Bless us with the grace to please You alone. Your goodness never fails. May the world praise Your name alone. Amen.