Sometimes it's not enough to focus on your greatest internal sin when you're still not addressing the major issue. I thought my problem areas were anxiety about the future and anger about the past, but now I'm wondering if there is another stop in between. Right now, I strive to be a better servant for God, but it's difficult to do that when I'm living presently in regret and bitterness.
Regretting After the Fact
I don't tend to regret friendships while I'm out to dinner with friends. I don't tend to feel bitter toward co-workers while we're working as a team. I don't question interactions with others while I'm smiling with them. It's not until after someone make a mistake, usually an intention to hurt or an accidental betrayal that hurts just as much, that we regret ever trusting them.
I am not an exception. No one on this Earth is an exception to anything or anyone. However, when we feel this personal betrayal, it's easy to fire blame and take on revenge or erasure. Get even, or pretend they never existed at all: aren't these the best ways to let people know what they've done? Truthfully? No. Am I a hypocrite for saying that based on my past and current actions? Yes. Does it null the truth? Definitely not.
We regret our past actions because we think we should have seen the red flags, we should have noticed the bad traits, we should have heard about their past interactions and gotten a clue. But none of that is necessarily true. Some individuals only reveal their true colors to their family, others their best friends. Some only online. But their actions cannot change the people we are. We cannot alter our ability to love, trust, and befriend one person based on the actions of others.
But in my case, it's getting harder to trust strangers because I'm waiting for them to hurt me like others have.
Going Back Out (And Trusting Again)
I went out last weekend, and I said something mean to someone who was once in my life because I couldn't imagine how he could ever realize the suffering he put me through. When I got home, I knew I needed to repent, but it took close to an hour before I felt any sense of peace with God because I felt so good at the thought that I had hurt someone.
This is wrong.
This is evil.
This elation is not from the Lord.
If I hurt someone, it doesn't clear their actions. It doesn't fix the pain I feel. It doesn't make me feel like a better person. I had to dig deep to find repentance because I was so entangled in the devil's temptations. I had to first ask God for the desire to be free of it and the strength to break it in order to feel the regret that I should have felt right away.
Some Christians have told me to not feel so much regret for my sins, but I think regret for sins is great if it leads you to your knees to ask forgiveness. The amount of your sinful regret is an indication of the kind of Christian you want to be for God. Not everyone is on the same page, and that's okay. If you feel bad for gossiping, then focus on only spreading positivity. Focus on what you feel are your greatest flaws as a good person, and improve yourself from there.
My weakness to bitterness is something I want to repair. I want to have strength to say no to temptation. I want to forgive more openly so that regret doesn't linger after a relationship ends. If it's possible to reconcile, I want to do that. If it's not, then I want to leave a person with a sense of peace and understanding between us.
I make bad decisions. I hurt others. I'm not perfect, but I try to seek God. I try to pray more often. Do I repent as soon as I do something bad? No. Does God want me to? Yes. No Christian follows God's plans exactly, but there's a reason the Lord adored King David.
He wasn't perfect, but he loved the Lord with every fiber of his being, and God asks for nothing more than our love and desire for Him.
My Lord, I ask that You help myself and all others suffering from regret and bitterness. You love and forgive us, and so we should love and forgive others. Even more so, my Lord, may You help us to love and forgive ourselves. Remind us that we, too, are humans and make mistakes. O Lord, strengthen us and let us seek You and praise You for Your endless mercy, glory, and love. In Jesus' name, we pray to You. Amen.
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