April 2018 Celebrations

April is a momentous month for me in my faith journey. I was baptized on April 5, 2015, and I received confirmation on April 15, 2017. If I can get my matrimony sacrament in April, that would be awesome.

I am not the same person I was when I sunk underwater, and I am not the same person I was when I tasted the Eucharist for the first time. However, it's difficult to feel like I'm still moving forward as a Christian when worldly problems bring me back to the old me and not the new me, the one formed in Christ.   

It's forever an uphill battle. I will never reach perfection, either in God or in the world. But while the world demands it, God wants my best, my tries, my attempts to be the version of me He intended. Sometimes I feel like I completely rolled myself back down the hill, but unlike before, I roll back to His feet, and He helps me up.

The last two months have taught me a lot about myself. I spent eight weeks on medical leave for my

surgery, and then I spent my first three days back at work on bereavement leave to attend my grandmother's memorial. Finally, my first two days back at work washed me in past hurt, hatred, and suffering that I spent my entire leave trying to overcome.

May the Lord keep me always. I feel as though I constantly fall short, but my priest has reminded me that not everything I do is bad or not enough. If my biological parents would hurt to hear the way I speak of myself as a failure, how much worse is it for God to hear it as my creator?

I was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and I pledged myself to His one and only church. My next step is to keep studying, keep praying, and push myself to get more involved with my parish and community. This anger and self-hatred will not reign in my heart. My soul is freed because of His mercy and sacrifice. I will rise above because I will trust in the Lord.

Lord, instill trust and certainty in my life. May I find peace in my thoughts and actions, and may I cultivate peace around me. I have not pursued peace amongst others, my Lord, and I know that is wrong. Please help my anger to be vanquished. Please help me to forgive and forget. I don't want to be weighed down with desires that are not from You. I seek You now, Lord, to heal me and guide me in Your will.

May the Lord bless us in this month of His risen son. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.