Lent 2019: Ash Wednesday Readings and Reflections

My sacrifice for Lent 2019 is to avoid watching YouTube videos and Netflix movies because of the excess time I spend watching them. My goal is to complete the daily readings for the Lenten season and spend this time reflecting on scripture.

Ash Wednesday: Day 1 of Lent

I believe I've participated in Lent since 2016. I choose a sacrifice and avoid meat on Fridays, but I haven't been able to participate in the fasting of Ash Wednesday until this year. Due to my headaches, a lack of sustenance or sugar (I'm not sure which affected me worse) caused severe pain and prevented me from joining. I would abstain from social media, music, or another form of fasting to participate, but nothing compares to a food fast.

The readings for today (Joel 2:12-18, Psalm 51, 2 Corinthians 5:20-6:2, and Matthew 6:1-18) cast a light on the history of fasting for Christians. Fasting is meant to be used as a method of strength and self-restraint, a notion that goes against the idea of mortal survival. However, the proof we are able to fast illustrates the power of our mental and spiritual abilities.

Fasting symbolizes discipline, redirection of focus, and distance from the mortal world. Food comes as naturally and easily to the majority of the world as breathing; choosing to say no to our bodies is a show of discipline. The redirection of focus allows a person to focus on higher ideas and self because it shows that the body can, indeed, wait. Lastly, the distance it creates between us and this world brings us closer to witnessing the next world. If we can deny ourselves in this environment, we will desire Heaven even more.

If we can deny this one earthly pleasure, we can give more wholly of ourselves to the Lord. Today has not been easy, but it hasn't been difficult either. I realized how much time I spend thinking of eating; not necessarily the food, but the action of eating it. This fast has also taught me that my body is slowly growing more capable again, and I am always thankful for those little victories.

May we grow closer to You, O God, this Lenten season. In Jesus' name, Amen.

When Prayer Works

One of my dear friends is a young woman I met while in college at my grandmother's church. We hung out for a few months and then I disappeared for two years, disappeared another six months, and the third time I showed up to service she forced me to stay, join the congregation, and be friends.

Okay, that was a drastic summary, but it's not completely false.

This young woman, her name is Sam, is the first person I call when I'm fighting with God. My fights with God often entail because I prayed for something, received it, and then immediately regretted my asking for it. Sam follows up my latest tirade with a simple, "Be careful what you pray for because God will hear it and He will deliver."

We often hear complaints about God not answering a prayer about finding a job, a spouse, or happiness, but what do these prayers often entail? Selfish desires. We want a job, not because we're unemployed, but because we don't like our boss or want to make more money because our car is old and we want a newer model. We want a spouse because all our friends from high school are getting married and we don't want to fall behind. We want happiness to seek us because it's too much effort to better ourselves in our surroundings and seek it ourselves.

God understands the true intent behind our desires and prayers. I believe He takes into account why we pray and follows through accordingly. For me, He always answers my prayers immediately when I am feeling lost and afraid to take the next step, but this fast response includes a sacrifice I'm usually unwilling to make because, well, worldly pleasure feels good.

My goal for 2019 is to practice, understand, and recognize discernment within my faith, relationships, and myself. In January, I prayed for discernment regarding a particular relationship that God revealed within minutes of engaging in silent contemplation: end the relationship.

I knew it was the answer. But what I lacked was why it needed to end. It wasn't closure I sought, but rather the understanding of specifically why the relationship made me feel anxious and fearful so that I could recognize similar signs in the future. It was these revelations that God provided when I sincerely prayed for discernment.

It didn't make the break easier, but if the road to Christ was easy, everyone would be Christian.

God explained that the reason I felt fearful was from being in the same situation I was in previously with an ex-boyfriend. I know what I'm seeking: oneness in a marriage, emotional and mental stability within myself and with someone else, and discovering my purpose. This relationship could never lead me to these end results, and therefore would only hinder my hopes like my previous.

Most importantly, God reminded me that I needed to continue to focus on being a whole and complete person on my own without seeking validation from another. God created spouses for companionship as well as complements. I will be One with my husband because of the union of marriage, but I am not currently an incomplete person because I am without a spouse.

Returning to my authentic self, if I can find who I am in God's eyes and plans, then He will send either my spouse or my purpose when I am ready for the next step. Something I'm still struggling to remember is that people are not good or bad; they are either genuine and authentic or false and lost. We must learn from one and guide the other, even if it means guiding ourselves away from our greatest temptations.

My Lord, we pray to better understand You and Your love for us. Help us to have the strength to carry out Your mission for us and the motivation to carry Your love to all reaches of the world. I pray for those struggling with change to experience hope and stability. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Authentically Me: Understanding and Recognizing Discernment

Authentically Me highlights my journey to becoming the person God intended for me. In 2019, my goal is to understand, practice, and recognize discernment within my faith, my relationships, and myself.

Choosing Discernment

Throughout 2018, I thought about which aspects of God's teachings to focus on for my next yearly goal. I'm still seeking and welcoming peace, but I thought I needed to study compassion, humility, or wisdom for this new year. However, it hit me in the last days of December, that what I needed to do in order to grow was learn how to discern.

Discernment, like peace, is something I need to practice for both my spiritual life and my worldly life. I need to discern God's Will for my life to ensure I'm living the way He intended and not simply to gain favor with those around me. Likewise, I need to practice discernment within my relationships and myself to ensure I'm not giving in to temptation or being used as a resource by others.

The definition of discernment is the ability to judge well, and in the Christian sense, this also means the ability to perceive the right course of action. Now that I feel more stable in my faith and my emotions after seeking peace in 2018, I want to carry that with me to perceive God's calling in my life.

Discernment in My Life

For my faith, I want to truly hear God's voice in prayer and in scripture. I want to pray more intentionally to understand what my calling is and whether I'm taking the steps down the path to holiness for God's purpose for me and not simply holiness for the sake of it. 

I need to understand what discernment looks and feels like for me, whether it is through prayer and silent listening, music, readings, or through other Christians. Practicing it will take time, but I hope to understand and recognize God's voice when I seek guidance.

Within my relationships and myself, I want to practice discernment to understand who values me as a person and who comes into my life as a test. For me, as I've mentioned in previous posts, men and relationships are my ultimate temptation, and I want to discern future potential partners to understand whether they are seeking a union or a good time.

I also want to integrate discernment into the rest of my relationships. The few friends I have are individuals who have been with me for years, and I don't feel a need to discern their genuineness. However, I do want to practice it for family, acquaintances, and co-workers, among others, to recognize when I'm being taken for granted, either for kindness, resources, or time. Rather than cut people off like I did last year, I want to practice discerning others and remaining around them to improve my ability to perceive character and stop myself from being so open and trusting with each person I interact with.

To begin, I hope to study the idea of discernment more. I'm listening to lectures and sermons from Formed.org and would like to read more scripture to find stories of discernment. I'll also revisit one of my favorite books, The Book of My Life by St. Teresa of Avila, to see if she mentions the practice and how she integrated it into her faith life.

My Lord, I entrust my life to You. Open my eyes, heart, and mind to Your teachings and guide me into a life that I can feel proud to tell others about because it will be all about You. You know my insecurities, and I ask that You help me overcome them and reach ever closer to Your loving embrace for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Lil Bean Book Recs: 2018 List

Below are the faith-based titles I read during 2018. They are linked to their corresponding page on Goodreads. While I do read fiction faith-based stories, these are the non-fiction titles.

You can read more of my thoughts of each of these books by checking out my Lil Bean Book Recs tag.

1. The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic by Matthew Kelly
2. Almost Catholic by Jon Sweeney
3. The Church of Mercy by Pope Francis
4. 15 Days of Prayer with Saint Teresa of Avila by Jean Abiven
5. The Book of My Life by St. Teresa of Avila, translated by Mirabai Starr
6. Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin
7. What Pope Francis Really Said by Tom Hoopes
8. Catholic Book of Prayers by Maurus Fitzgerald
9. Reluctant Saint: The Life of Francis Assisi by Donald Spoto
10. Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis
11. Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly
12. Rediscover Jesus by Matthew Kelly
13. Eucharistic Adoration by Charles M. Murphy
14. The Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Tutu, and Douglas Abrams
15. The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

Authentically Me: Peace in 2018

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. My goal for this series is to remember the epiphanies that brought me closer to the person I hope to be as a Christian, a human being, and a friend.

This past month brought as much stress and hardship as my surgery did in February. I broke down and doubted whether things would turn out the way I wanted, but fortunately, God made things turn out the way He planned.

I sought peace this year. I deal a lot of negative damage to myself, both mentally and physically. I avoided romantic relationships this year because I went through break-ups in 2015, 2016, and 2017, and I was determined to break my cycle. I struggle with the physical results of the surgery and think of it as yet another ping against me. However, the peace I gained and experienced reminds me of how much better I'm doing.

I did not suffer mental or emotional pain from bad relationships. I wake up ready and excited to work. I bought a house, and within the next month I plan to move into it. I joined Adoration at the church and with it discovered the Rosary Makers Ministry and its collective of wonderful, compassionate women. I survived cranial and spinal surgery (sometimes I forget to add this to the list of accomplishments and leave its pain on the bad list). I spent time with the friends and family who share the same goals and beliefs as me.

I'm not a perfect Christian, and I tend to sin more often than someone who is as involved with the church community as I am should. That aside, I still attend church and pray and engage with other Christians because I recognize my shortcomings and know that I need to get my act together.

I found peace. Not in the way I expected, but I found peace in the strength, hope, and happiness that God gave me. I hope to remember these lessons and the hardships to guide me in the future, either with similar situations or with new experiences waiting for me. This journey is never over, but I think I'm finally figuring out the teachings He set aside for me in this life.

May God grant us peace. Amen.

Authentically Me: Choosing Which Parts of Me Represent Me

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. My goal for this series is to remember the epiphanies that brought me closer to the person I hope to be as a Christian, a human being, and a friend.

This past year has taught me about discovering myself through understanding who I already am. I'm giggly with an anger tendency; I'm hopeful and doubtful about my future relationship, or the fear that I may not have one, multiple times in a day; I experience pain from feeling overly happy due to my head trauma. These contradictions make up who I am, and I once believed that to be a good person, I needed to rid myself of the bad parts.

Scars aren't the only things that change us. Rather than eliminating my anger, I try to use it as a tool. What spurred this reaction? Was it the realization of truth or falsehood? Was merely the wrong person speaking these truths, and if so, what does this tell me about how I do and then should feel about them? I keep this scar at the forefront to remind me of the mistakes I made in the past, to not only avoid repetition in the future but to guide me in similar situations later on.

We're each made of contradictions, but the contradictions don't make us bad people. The anger is a part of my growth and person as much as my laughter, but I want to be remembered for the latter and that's okay. Perhaps God gave me this anger to better understand my reactions and beliefs, and it's merely the flesh that is misusing it. The more I study the faith and those who practice it, the more control I feel over how I react when I feel angry.

My doubt and hope are just as equal. There are days when I wake up ready to take on the world as an independent person who has their life semi-figured out at the moment, but those same days, I experience the reminder of loneliness through an inability to accomplish something or through news of a successful couple. These reminders pull me back down into doubting God and whether I have someone out there for me. Maybe I don't, and if that's God's will, I'm going to need a lot more trust, strength, and ice cream. But in the meantime, I try to remain hopeful for my dream.

My anger itself isn't a problem; it's the way I unleash it on others and myself. To be someone who remains calm in anger and frustration is as much a compliment to me as someone who says I brighten their day with my smile. Perhaps I'm doing something right because my family and friends scoff when I say I have anger issues, but only we know our greatest demons. I know I have work left to do, but I feel more like myself with each month.

I want all my parts to represent me even if the rest of the world doesn't see them all. The world may not remember me for my doubt, anger, or suffering, but the way I treat others depends on how well I interact with the vices inside me. I choose to let all these pieces showcase my authentic self because accepting each piece will lead me to achieve peace.

My God, humble us, Your children. We do all things because of You. We praise You, we love You, and we ask that You guide us through all stages of life until we meet with You on Judgment Day. May we enlighten the world because of Your grace. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Relying on Strength Rather Than Empathy

I ran across a text photo on social media that said, along the lines, "I stopped talking to people about my problems and started praying because I realized I wanted strength instead of sympathy."

This action is one that I have fervently been practicing for the past year.

It wasn't until my previous relationship that I realized I couldn't rely on any person for my happiness or security. Yes, family and friends should support you and guide you when necessary, but sometimes, the problem within the relationship occurs because too many outside people are throwing out advice that isn't warranted.

The more I intentionally thought about who to contact when faced with large dilemmas or sudden frustration, the more my mind worked through the solution or emotions on its own. Whether these events involved friendships, family members, or colleagues, there were few instances where the counsel of a wise and impartial confidant aided the situation.

As a Christian, it's easy to forget that I can slip into prayer and speak to my Father at any given moment. Because I can't hear the words or feel His arms, I think I can find better comfort elsewhere. What happens is I'm still left troubled and now one more person is aware of my situation and emotions, for better or worse.

When we talk with others, we often find empathy, or, in the case of false friends, we stumble into hostile territory where we have now provided weaknesses. For me, when I confided in certain individuals last year, I found that while they didn't use the information to attack me, they did use it to fuel fire for their own purposes, fires that ended up burning large enough to burn me before they died down.

There's still anger in my heart for these actions. It's one of the last embers I can't put out. I learned a lot from this past year, and I largely learned about manipulation and what it looks like emotionally. I ruined my own happiness and security because I placed my strength in people instead of God and crumbled with the rest of them when their kingdom finally fell.

Relying on strength means relying on God. It means coming to Him in our times of need. Even if I only pray for guidance on who to turn to, when my mind comes up blank, that is God's way of telling me that this problem isn't large enough or complicated enough for me to involve another. My strength comes from knowing that God puts obstacles in my life at every turn: buying a home, ending a relationship, and overcoming disagreements in the workplace all play similar roles in building me into the person God intended.

My Lord, bring me to Your arms. Remind me of Your comfort and love amidst the confusion of the world. My final resting place is with You in Your Kingdom; therefore, help me to reside with You during my time here on earth. I pray for the healing of all people and the goodness of each to rise above their temptations. In Jesus' name, Amen.