Authentically Me: Is Pride Holding Me Back?

My prayer and self goal for 2018 is to seek and welcome peace into my mind, heart, and soul in whatever form God wills. My goal for this series is to remember the epiphanies that brought me closer to the person I hope to be as a Christian, a human being, and a friend. The year is half over, and while I've learned dozens of positive lessons, I also feel as though I'm still uncovering all the facets of my anger problem.

At this point, it would probably be accurate to say I have an anger disorder. Some days I wake up angry and fall asleep angry and most moments in between feel anger. There is no rhyme or reason to it; much like someone with anxiety or depression may wake up and fear the day or dread the possibilities, I wake up hating everything about it. It's irrational, but the anger is uncontrollable in the sense that I cannot predict when it will strike.

A large part of my anger is holding on to the past, another part is that I cannot forgive those in my present because these are people I wish to exclude from my life but cannot for one reason or another. I have discussed showing and giving more love to all people I encounter, detaching from bad people and habits when I can, and how my level of maturity affects my ability to treat others with kindness and forgiveness. Each time, a light bulb brightens, but my anger remains.

I know there isn't a cure-all to my anger, whether it's a disorder or a choice to hold on to grudges, but I know I'm still searching for more explanations for my anger in addition to practicing the lessons I've learned so far.

While reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (which is fantastic and should be read by all people), I felt a resonance with Lewis' views on pride and Christian behavior. Pride is not simply being vain or wanting to win; it's also thinking we are superior to others (120-128). The first assumption is to think we are better than others because of our class, education, or career, and while all of these are wrong, they're not what I'm pointing to. I suffer from pride because I think I am deserving of apologies and reparations when none are coming, and it angers me.

My pride is preventing me from releasing anger and tension because I'm waiting for something that will likely never come. Jesus always reminds us to turn the other cheek and not expect anything in return, but it's difficult to understand how He lived so freely and lovingly while being mistreated. If Christ did not expect reparations, why should I? Oh, that's right, because I'm too proud to humble myself.

Is pride holding me back? Yes, absolutely. Do I think I am superior in the sense that I deserve an apology? Yes. Is this the Christian way to live? No. Then why do I continue to feel this anger over the past? Why not let it go, expect the least, give the most, and focus all my energy onto the Lord to guide me in not only my life, but my emotions?

My Lord, I am Your servant. I am lowly in my pride. It brings me no comfort or security, yet I cling to it. Please remind me of my place, my God; remind me that only You are above all things, and we all fall to our knees because of Your power and glory. Instill in me a servant's spirit for You and toward all people on this world so that we will remember in our serving actions to each other our true resting place with You who created us. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, hear this prayer. Amen.