The first growth lesson I aimed for was always having a book on my night stand to read. I've been an avid reader since elementary school, and reading is something I let fade to the background in the previous two years. I have since finished reading two books by Matthew Kelly: Perfectly Yourself as well as The Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic. Currently on my nightstand are The Divine Life of the Most Holy Virgin, visions given to Saint Mary of Agreda, and Almost Catholic by Jon Sweeney.
I did not intend to set out reading only religious or faith based texts, but after finishing Perfectly (my church gave each household in the parish a copy on Christmas Day), I only wanted to study more about the church. Without realizing, my first resolution led to my first step in growth and discovering my authentic self: I need to seek out and welcome peace into my life, heart, mind, and soul.
Seeking Peace
I don't know many people who don't want peace, but I also know people who seek out gossip and drama because I was once one of those people. Not that I wanted drama in my life, but hearing about others' suffering made my suffering more bearable. Not only is this outlook cruel, it was also self-sabotaging in the long run.
My health problems, while they are temporary, have caused a greater need for peace of mind in my life. But I am also in need of a peace of heart. I am terrible at forgiving people, and that is one way I need to seek out peace. It's hard for me to give up anger and hurt because I have control of whether I want to be angry or not. I have control of when I want to let that anger consume me. If I cannot control the person hurting me, I will at least control when I let that anger loose.What I don't yet realize is that having control over my anger only counts when I refrain from harming another individual with words or actions or even thoughts. Forgiving allows me to release the anger and thus find my peace, but forgiving means giving up control in not only this situation, but the next when you allow the person to try again with you. It's scary and humiliating, but it's common sense when we remember God has all control and I definitely need more humbleness in my life.
Welcoming peace in a way other than forgiveness? That might be more difficult.
Welcoming Peace
With my constant pain, stress is something I cannot afford to handle in heavy doses. However, my experience in a stressful relationship made me realize that the stress from that relationship caused me more pain than the happy times could counter. That is when we both realized the only way for me to be healthy was for us to part ways.
I spent a few weeks crying, one week in my bed with the curtains closed, and many nights wondering if it was time wasted. But after the first week, my pain significantly lessened. Within a month I could get through a day with pain medication. With time I learned that in order to find a peace in my health, I needed a peace with my mind and heart, and that meant momentarily breaking my heart.
I often seek peace, but when I find it, it's not in the form I expected. I want no pain and less stress from my relationship, so God, make it happen. It doesn't work like that. He gave me less stress by removing me from the situation causing the stress. Common sense, sure. Easy to do, not really. But God knew it had to be done, so he made it happen, and now I'm reaping the rewards of the peace I didn't want but needed.
I need to welcome all the peace that comes into my life. If I lose stress by going through a break-up, that lesson in peace alone makes the entire relationship worth it. I learned a lot about patience and trust with this man, but most of all, I learned that even good intentions are not enough to create true peace.
I will seek peace out and I will welcome it in all its forms. At least, I will try. I won't be able to discover the authentic me without bringing her to peace first.
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